Monday 29 August 2011





"Whenever he dreamed of them, glory and death and woman were consubstantial. Yet when the woman had been attained, the other two withdrew beyond the offing and ceased their mournful wailing of his name. The things he had rejected were now rejecting him."
Yukio Mishima, The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea

Tuesday 1 February 2011

perfect endings (i)




One of the faces I love most in the world.
Martin Donovan when he was young.
Why are the faces we love also the ones that haunt us? There is memory of rain, particular rain, past-eleven in the morning rain, in all the faces I love. Being able to remember the exact light, the exact feel of the fake-marble cheap table under my hand. The cheap coffee. The exact light. Rain smells of the pavement it falls on. It's grey.
The needless tragic ending of Amateur. Which is not to say it's not a perfect ending. It's perfect because it didn't have to be tragic. The randomness of its tragic outcome is what makes it perfect. What makes it tragic. It's not the blood, it's not the death. It's the fact that there could have been not-death, not-blood.

Saturday 18 December 2010

i want my tongue to be my own again.



It's not as easy as saying I don't write in my tongue to hide myself. I run away from my language because I cannot face it. Nor can I face myself, my family, my landscape. There are bits of December sunlight in Madrid that I miss. There are streets in the gay neighbourhood. Sounds. Cafés and bars and certain menus handwritten in chalk. Because I run away from the town I cannot return to the town. Because I run away I miss it.

And then the faces, which are not the faces of my friends. I miss my friends but I do not think about the faces of my friends. I think about the faces of actors. The face of Tristán Ulloa, whom I've been in love with since Mensaka. The face of Roberto Enríquez. The face of Alberto Jiménez. The face and the voice of Marta Belaustegui. Also Leonor Watling whom I've last seen in Lope and who was incandescent in it. Lope is a very mediocre film but it made me long for my mothertongue. We all have secret saints we construct secret private altars to and mine is Lope De Vega. For him I do not dismiss my mothertongue completely.

That is to say, I miss the films of my country because I miss people's faces.

The problem of how to write in your own language when one has felt so divorced from it. The other side of the story, I have help there: if I feel anguish about writing in a language that is not mine - an imprecise language, words that don't come naturally to me - then I turn to Nabokov and his own anguish. But, how to come back to the other side?

I am losing my language word by word. And each word is illuminated, at the same time. I am falling in love and I have no language to speak my love. In love with the loss of my capacities. To seek out the cure I read: that which I love, I read Pablo Rivero, Javier Calvo, Luna Miguel.

To return I read Lope De Vega.

Sunday 12 December 2010

69 by ryu murakami


This I know.

This landscape is familiar. These boys, sitting on the grass reluctantly sharing a bento talking about Rimbaud and Godard, making up impossible stories to satisfy their egos. The revolution will not come: they are just looking to shag some girls.

I am at ease here and though much of my approach to reading is find out that which I know nothing of sometimes I fall in love with familiarity. Here is a book I can recognize, it is foreign to me and yet it makes me think of all those years of Japanese cinema, it makes me think of my love for Oshima, which is true love no matter how you look at it, his youth films, his pessimistic disillusioned youth films. The memory of a conference by Robert Cueto about cinema and taboo, with bits of Tokyo Decadence shown, with the exploration of masochism as something cathartic. The memory of the years and the thousand of hours of loving fictional japanese teenagers. Everybody falling in love with Ryuhei Matsuda in Blue Spring while I was busy falling in love with Hirofumi Arai. Falling off rooftops. Rooftops are a very japanese fictional device. Now I think about the end of 21st Century Boys. Now I remember all the rooftop scenes in all the doujinshi I collect. My Prince of Tennis doujinshi are full of rooftops. I want to write books full of rooftops. I can't remember if there are any rooftops in All About Lily Chou-Chou but whenever I think about Japanese teenagers I think about Shunji Iwai's film. Now I can't listen to Debussy without thinking about the green grass of Lily Chou-Chou.

All this inform my reading of 69, and my love for it. My love and frustration at Murakami's novels Almost Transparent Blue and Coin Locker Babies. The other ones, In The Miso Soup and Audition, were easier to read but maybe for that very reason I liked the earlier ones more. 69 is like the earlier ones but also easy to read.

It's also a very funny book.

This is the kind of humour I want in a book. Here is my fondness of unreliable narrators (here is me thinking about Kyon in Suzumiya Haruhi and here is me thinking about Tomokazu Sugita's voice, which is the voice I hear when I read the Suzumiya Haruhi books, which I read in Spanish, so really it is Tomokazu Sugita's voice speaking into my head in Spanish, a very private experience). (Now I can't listen to Satie without thinking about Suzumiya Haruhi). The adventures of the narrator trying to shoot a low-budget film reminds me of reading a biography of Shinja Tsukamoto. It must have been 2001 or 2002. I still have that book. I have all the books on Japanese cinema that I once bought. I have sold many of my books but not these.  In 69 I find all that I love about Japanese fiction, about why I love these films, these manga. When I say love I realize I should be saying "obssession". But in 69 there's also the protagonist's obssession with the French. With the nouvelle vague. With looking like Alain Delon or feeling like Jean-Paul Belmondo, or the other way around. About dreaming of French movies he has not seen. In this I recognize myself almost painfuly. I spent my youth dreaming of French movies I had not seen.

69 by Ryu Murakami is the anti-Haruki Murakami novel. This is a good thing.

My love for this book works by association. When the protagonist says that terrorism is the only option I remember all the Wakamatsu films I've seen. All the Wakamatsu films I haven't seen but I say I've seen.

All books should have a scene where two teenagers share a bento in the grass. (They also should have a character that could be played by Tadanobu Asano because if not, what's the point in writing a novel?) Now I remember how, last year, I wanted to write a novel which was a sad, gay version of Touch! I wanted to write about the relationship between the silence of unrequited love and desire and the silence of mute manga panels. I still want to write this book. All my books are a form of fanfic.

Of all the novels I've read this year 69 is probably my favourite.

Friday 10 December 2010

I don't know if I can really help you through your uncertainties.


As far as missing out on life because of devoting your time to writing, I don't think you need to worry about that: life will happen to you no matter what you do. There will be joys and celebrations. There will be nights crossing bridges you don't know the name of when some unspeakable beauty envelopes you.

Dean Young.

Saturday 4 December 2010

all of this can be broken










I might be apart of this
ripple on water from a lonesome drip
A fallen tree that witness me
I'm alone,
Him and me.
Laura Marling

Wednesday 1 December 2010

narratives of vengeance (not)


I am not interested in the narratives of vengeance.

I am not seduced by them.

But I'm interested in their by-products. All those doors that vengeance forever closes. All those what-ifs all those possibilities. Walk away and take my hand and forget about all this. Love as the opposite of revenge,if only you could allow yourself the possibility of love. If Hamlet had stayed with Horatio meaning of course he couldn't but sometimes I like to wonder. I'd like to write about it.

The way Neuro is destroying my soul because I know what happens. Spoilers are a blessing and a curse. The way it is destroying my soul because I cannot stop the what-if. I cannot stop trying to open the doors that will forever be closed. Because I'm too old to be obssessed with age-difference relationships but I am still obssessed so there you have it.

Sunday 28 November 2010

Friday 22 October 2010

Thursday 14 October 2010

rejection - romance.


I recieved a very nice, very positive rejection for my novel from Canongate (big damn heroes, and yes that would be my choice of publishing house if I could publish with anyone in the world). The only thing that bugged me is that they said they rejected the novel on the basis that they didn't publish romance genre. Uh. I don't think my novel is a romance. Sure, I have joked that the closest thing to definition for it would be experimental chick-lit. I wonder if their answer would be the same if they didn't know I was a woman. Plenty of writers turn in novels that are basically a love story but no one would dream of calling that "romance". So the basis of my book is a romantic/erotic relationship but that doesn't make it of the romance genre anymore than you would consider The Bird Room or Apples romances.

In any case I think I've learned a lesson: I changed the synopsis I'm sending out a bit to include the other elements of the plot that have nothing to do with romance genre (the non-chronological narration, the music, the imaginary construction of the city). And just in case I've only put my initials so that nobody can tell if I'm a guy or a woman at first.

Sunday 19 September 2010

the writer is a receiver and the content is already out there.


The question is: what is culture for? Is it a vanity mirror for liberal society to see itself reflected back in the way it wants to see itself? Or is it something else, something more disruptive? I think culture should disrupt; it should be troublesome. If it's a mirror, it should be the cracked one that Joyce talks about; or Lewis Carroll's one that opens up on huge abysses; or the mirror in Jean Cocteau's Orphée, where you look in to it and you don't see yourself reflected back, instead you see the void – you see death at work, "like bees in a hive of glass". Fucking great line.

interview with Lee Rourke and Tom McCarthy at The Guardian.

Saturday 11 September 2010

the artist, after the accident.

 [x]

She thought that if she could not use her hands like this she would die.

Quietly, but she would.

She finds new strength in this new body, hers, because she has everything to learn. Again. Like a schoolgirl. Like a little girl making pigeons out of clay. This is a new chance: she thought she knew everything. This material, unfamiliar, hard, damp, alive. Musk of deep-red dirt. Her hands - the connections between muscles still asleep, the nerve endings in her fingertips still numb - carve out primeval shapes in the earth. Like the world after the rain, it is malleable. Crippled. It will learn to fly.

Wednesday 1 September 2010

these are the terms.




EVERYTHING we write
will be used against us
or against those we love.
Adrienne Rich.

Saturday 7 August 2010



Sometimes I think we should just live the motto: "All good things come from Manchester". But that's just me.

Tuesday 20 July 2010

of rebels long gone,




morning of listening to The Milkshakes. specially "Everywhere I Look". the heat. summer is a hideous thing, it should be banned. depressing, the impossibility of finding clothes my size. we got tickets for Inception tonight. i predict a fluke.

Sunday 18 July 2010

instructions for a sound & light machine.




light constructs him visible. nothing exists in the pauses (the dark corners are dots not holes - something exists). repetition is the totem of poetry. repeat repeat repeat it until it's beautiful.

Saturday 17 July 2010

i like to read the lines of your face, your history in depth.



There are few things in this world as poignant at Chris Eccleston's face.

Friday 16 July 2010

Music My Father Would Like #1



There's something terrifically nostalgic in going through the stacks of records at the Notting Hill Record Exchange (its sister shop dedicated to second-hand books is the closest to a home I feel I have in this city). Nostalgic in the way characters in animes say "nostalgic" (these days we're rewatching Toradora!,  masterpiece) - that is, in reference to missing a kind of feeling that was never there in the first place. Feeling nostalgic for something that never happened in the first place. I become a well-intentioned poser in these second-hand record stores. I pretend to know more than I really do. I want to impress the people who work there; those long-bearded middle-aged men who mock the Rough Trade mania and seem impossibly cool to me in their disdain.

I wanted to buy a record for my father's birthday. I had a note with names of bands I thought my father would enjoy (but hopefully didn't already have in his collection). The note read: 
The Fleshtones. 
Cockney Rejects.
The Lambrettas.
*The Chords.
The Crack. ("In search of")
Mose Allison.
Purple Hearts.
Hersham Boys.
*The Dentists.
I forgot the note at home.

In the end I bought a rare cool-looking compilation that features three songs by Purple Hearts. The man behind the till didn't seem impressed by my good taste. I was going to buy a really nice double LP by Hersham Boys but it was too expensive and I love my father but I am poor.

And I don't even know if he likes Hersham Boys.

Tuesday 27 April 2010

april 27

Martín Ramírez Sin título (Ciervo sentado con rostro abstracto)
ca. 1960 -1963

Eco-taxis
          by Clive Warner

Green eco-taxis gather at night
under grey concrete bridges
metal woodlice mount each other
flash mirrors bump fenders rub wheels
stick exhaust pipes into each other.
Radiators boil over, steam rises
oil drips amber from sump pans
transmission fluid leaks past seals
green water trickles from radiators
cooling systems fail in heat.
Ochre flakes fall from dented bodies
headlights wink in the darkness
turn signals blink red yellow red
springs relax tiredly under seat covers
taximeters explode in blue sparks.